Faltering Read online

  ****

  The next several days go by. I feel sick to my stomach and my heart aches. I also feel like a fool. I will never trust another guy again. Ever! I go to class and my new job, but I am in robot mode. I’m grateful no one here really knows me. No one bothers to ask what is wrong. I honestly couldn’t take having to explain and hear their condolences.

  What can anyone say, anyway? Sorry you fell for a lying jerk? That wouldn’t exactly help me feel any better.

  Leah has been tiptoeing around me for the past few days. She doesn’t know what to do to help me. She’s been super kind, making me tea and renting funny movies for us to watch. She’s stayed home every night with me and hasn’t brought Jake over at all, which I know has been hard for her. I do appreciate it, and I keep telling her I’m okay . . . she doesn’t have to worry . . . but she insists on staying by my side until I feel better.

  Alec has continued to call and text. I don’t know why he doesn’t just give up. I sent him just one message in reply:

  Please don’t contact me anymore.

  I just want to forget. I’m trying, I really am. But I just can’t. I keep thinking about the way he looked at me, and how his hands felt. The connection we seemed to share. I’m driving myself crazy with these thoughts. It’s pointless. I was obviously mistaken. He was just using me for a little fun on the side.

  Hadn’t he basically said just that when I met him? That he was looking for a little fun? I knew that going in, but still, I thought we had developed into something more. What a fool I’d been . . . again.

  Sighing, I decide I am going to stop. Stop moping around about Alec and get on with my life. I take a shower and put on clean clothes. I fix my hair nice and put on some makeup. For the first time since I got back, I look halfway decent.

  When I walk into the kitchen, Leah is sitting at the table, studying.

  “Hey, you look good. I’m glad to see you out of your room.”

  “Thanks. I’m trying.”

  “Why don’t you come out with me and Jake tonight? Maybe Kyle can come along too. Remember how much fun you had the night we went out?”

  I remember. I got really drunk, but Kyle was fun. He was flirty and cute. Maybe it would be just what I needed to take my mind off Alec. What was the point of wallowing any longer?

  “Come on, you need to get out of this apartment. Have some fun. I hate seeing you like this.” Leah looks so worried that I relent.

  “Okay, sure, why not?”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  To say that I’m not very excited to be going out tonight would be an understatement. In fact, I just want to throw on some sweats and curl up on my bed with a book and escape my life for a while.

  But I force myself to be positive. I can’t just wallow in self-pity forever, right?

  Leah is thrilled that I am finally getting out of the house.

  “I’ve been so worried about you, girl. We are going to make you forget all about your troubles tonight.” She’s standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a glass of red wine in one hand.

  “Hey, pour me a glass too. I need something to mellow me out.”

  “Sure thing.” She heads into the kitchen and quickly comes back with another glass.

  I take a big sip, hoping it will ease the knot that has been lodged in my throat ever since I saw that newspaper.

  Just then, my phone buzzes. I glance down and then quickly turn it off.

  “Have you considered just hearing him out? Maybe there’s been a mistake.”

  I take another big sip of wine. “Yeah, I’ve thought about it, but I don’t want to hear it. What mistake could there be? The only mistake was when I fell for him.” My throat is tightening and I feel tears starting to come to my eyes. “I was a diversion for him before he resumed his real life.” A sharp pain shoots through my chest as I picture him sliding a ring onto another woman’s finger, whispering in her ear, kissing her lips. “Look, can we just not talk about it? I just want to forget all about Alec.” As if I ever could.

  “Of course, sweetie. I won’t mention him again. Let’s just go out and have some fun.” Leah gives me a reassuring hug.

  ****

  When we get to the bar, Jake and Kyle are already there, leaning against the counter, holding their beers. They’re laughing about something, and when Jake spots Leah and me walking in, he gives us a wide grin.

  “Hey, beautiful.” He pulls Leah close and kisses her. I watch the happy couple, feeling a little sick. I’m not sure if I can do this. Maybe I should just go home.

  I realize Kyle is looking at me, a hesitant smile on his face, his eyes gleaming.

  “Hey, Emma, it’s been a while. You’re looking good.” He gives me a sexy, flirty smile.

  Maybe I should just go for it with Kyle, forget about Alec.

  “You want a drink?” He moves to the side a little so I can scoot up to the bar. He leaves just enough room beside him that our bodies touch when I lean in. I’m thinking I should step back, but that seems rude, plus it’s so crowded in here that there’s really not much room to move away.

  “Sure, I’ll have a glass of merlot.”

  Kyle motions for the bartender and orders my drink. “So Emma, the last time I saw you, the night got a little crazy. I hope you managed to straighten things out with your boyfriend.”

  “I don’t have a boyfriend.” I look down and take a sip of my wine. This is so not the conversation I want to be having. I need a distraction.

  “Hey, I love this song, let’s dance.” I grab Kyle’s hand and he follows me to the dance floor. This is good; we can just dance, not talk. I close my eyes and move to the music, letting the song overtake me and drown out my thoughts.

  The song ends and when I open my eyes, Kyle is staring intently at me, his face a little flushed.

  “That was the sexiest dance I have ever seen.”

  “Um . . . thanks?” I look away quickly. This was a mistake, and I mentally kick myself. The last thing I want to do is lead Kyle on.

  “I’ll be right back. I’ve got to go use the ladies’ room.” I leave Kyle standing on the dance floor and head over to Leah. I touch her shoulder to get her attention—always a hard thing to do when she’s with Jake.

  “Leah, take a bathroom break with me?”

  “Sure thing.” She kisses Jake on the cheek and grabs her purse.

  “I saw you dancing with Kyle. Does that mean you’re having a good time?” Leah looks at me in the bathroom mirror as she reapplies her cherry red lipstick.

  “I’m trying. I kinda just feel like heading home, though. I don’t want to give Kyle the wrong idea.”

  “Please don’t leave. You need to have some fun. You can’t just wallow in the apartment forever.” I nod. I do want to get over this. I just can’t. Alec has burrowed himself so deeply into my heart. I just can’t stop thinking about him. No one else makes me feel like he does.

  “You should give Kyle a chance. Jake says he’s really into you. Besides, he’s a huge catch and absolutely single. Every girl in here is drooling over him.”

  “I know, he’s sweet and really cute. I just . . . I don’t know. It’s just too soon, I guess.”

  “Yeah, I get it.” Leah straightens up and gives herself one last look in the mirror. She smiles sympathetically at me.

  “Let’s just have some fun, no pressure.”

  I nod, following her out, and we head back to the guys.

  “You okay?” Kyle looks concerned. “I hope my comment didn’t weird you out. Jake told me about what happened with your boyfriend and I didn’t mean to come on to you. Let’s be friends, okay?”

  “Sure.” I smile up at him. He really is a sweet guy, and if circumstances were different, who knows, maybe I could see myself with him. But I need all the friends I can get.

  The rest of the night goes smoothly. We listen to the band and Jake tells us funny stories about some of the regulars who come into the bar where he works.

  By midnight, my eyelids are
starting droop. Leah catches my eye. “Ready to head home?”

  “Yeah, I’ve got to be at work early tomorrow.”

  Kyle hails us a cab, and as it pulls up, I tell him, “Thanks for a fun night. I needed it.” I smile up at him as I get into the backseat.

  He looks back at me, as if he wishes he could follow me into the cab. “Goodnight, Emma. Take care.” He closes the door and I watch him walk away with his head down.

  I lean my head back against the seat with my eyes closed as we drive away, wishing that for once, I could fall for the right guy.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  I’m walking home from work the next day when I see him. Alec’s waiting outside my building, leaning against his car. The sight of him makes my heart constrict and I feel panicked. I can’t face him, not yet. It’s too hard. I think about my options for escape, but I’m too slow. . . . He looks up and sees me. I freeze, unable to move or even look away.

  Why does he have this power over me?

  “Emma . . .” Suddenly he’s standing right in front me. I still can’t move . . . can’t look at him. I stare at the ground. I’ll fall apart if I meet his gaze.

  “Emma, please, look at me. Don’t shut me out.” His voice is strained, like he’s been suffering too.

  He reaches out, hesitatingly, to touch my hand, as if he’s afraid I might grab it away and run.

  “Please just hear me out. Things aren’t what they seem to be.”

  He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it softly.

  My stomach flutters. I want to believe him so badly, but I just can’t—I don’t know how. I lift my eyes to his. He’s gazing straight into my face with a look of such yearning and pain that my heart contracts, and for a moment, I feel like I’m the one who has deceived him, not the other way around.

  “Alec, please, I can’t do this.” I try to pull my hand back and move farther away, but he won’t let me. Instead, he tightens his grip and pulls me closer to him. I feel myself falling into him. I don’t know if I can resist him. A part of me just wants to be with him no matter what, even if he’s engaged to someone else. But just when I feel myself caving, my phone starts ringing loudly. Grateful for the excuse, I pull away. I don’t recognize the number but I answer anyway.

  The voice on the other end has me stunned.

  “I’ll be right there,” I manage to mumble.

  Alec raises his eyebrows. “What is it? What happened?”

  ****

  My mind is numb and I can barely form proper thoughts, let alone words. “It’s my brother. He’s been in an accident. I have to get to Boston Medical Center right away.” My voice breaks and I gulp. Oh, please, please let Jonathan be okay. He’s the only person in the world who’s always been there for me.

  “Get in the car, I’ll take you.” Alec turns and opens the passenger door. I nod woodenly and he helps me inside. He quickly gets in the other side and we drive off.

  I sit numbly, staring out the window without seeing anything, my eyes filled with tears.

  “What happened, what did they say?” Alec is driving fast, his body tense.

  “I don’t know. . . . They just said it was a bike accident. He’s in surgery.” Panic is completely engulfing me now. My breathing is fast and shallow. Please let him be okay. I chant this like a mantra inside my head.

  We pull up to the hospital and Alec lets me out while he finds a parking space. I rush inside, and the nurse in admitting fills me in on what happened. Jonathan was riding his bike when someone opened a car door and it sent him flying. He was wearing a helmet but he hit his head pretty hard and got knocked out. He also sustained a broken arm and internal injuries. He is in surgery now, and the doctors are trying to stop the bleeding.

  I stand frozen in the waiting room. Alec walks through the door and pulls me into an embrace. I sink against him, weak, unable to stand on my own.

  “It’s okay, just try and breathe.” Alec pats my hair and gently rubs my back, trying to soothe me. The warmth of his body starts to calm me.

  It’s going to be okay . . . Jonathan is going to be okay. He has to be.

  “Come on, let’s sit down.” Alec guides me over to a group of empty chairs and I sink into one. There are a couple of other people in the surgical waiting room. Everyone has a tense, expectant look about them. Across from me is an older woman with a drawn, strained expression. She catches my eye briefly and gives me small, thin smile before looking away, lost in her own private pain.

  We wait for hours. I can’t do anything but sit, wringing my hands with worry, or pace nervously back and forth. Alec never leaves my side except to get water or coffee. We don’t really talk, and even though I’m angry with him, his presence is reassuring and helps me cope.

  My mind drifts back to when Jonathon and I were kids. Growing up hadn’t been easy in our family. It had been him and me alone together. My dad checked out on us when we were young. I was six and Jonathan barely two. I remember overhearing him tell my mother he “couldn’t handle the family and kids thing . . . couldn’t take the responsibilities anymore.”

  After he left, it was tough on my mom. She’d been young when she had me, only nineteen, and hadn’t gone to college. So finding a good-paying job was pretty much impossible. We’d moved back to the small Western Massachusetts town she was from to live in my grandparent’s house. They’d treated my mom harshly when they found out she’d gotten pregnant so young, and they’d never really forgiven her. They even blamed her for my dad abandoning us.

  So, yeah . . . I get that things were hard on her. But she didn’t handle it well, either. The only job she could find in town was as a waitress at a shitty restaurant. She worked nights and then went out drinking afterward, so she was never really around for us. Jonathan turned to me as his emotional haven. He was so young, he doesn’t remember our father at all.

  My eyes start to fill with tears and my throat closes up. Please, Jonathan, please be okay. I take a few deep breaths to calm down and then head to the restroom. I splash some water on my face and notice my haggard reflection in the mirror. My face is blotchy and my eyes red from crying. I’m a complete mess, but I don’t care.

  I quickly smooth my hair back into a ponytail and then rush back to the waiting room.

  Alec stands when he sees me. “Emma, the nurse was just here. She said Jonathan is out of surgery and the doctor will be right out to speak with you.” He pauses for a moment, looking uncertain. “Do you think you should call your mother?”

  Alec knows about my family history and that my mother and I are not on the best terms. I can’t help but blame her for all the wrong choices she made. She gave up her future because she thought she was in love, but then he abandoned her and everything fell apart. I would never make that mistake. Never make a foolish choice for love.

  “I texted her, she didn’t text back.” I shrug, not wanting to think about her right now.

  Just then, the doctor walks in wearing scrubs. She has a serious look on her face that doesn’t give anything away.

  “You’re Jonathan Gardner’s sister?”

  I nod, terrified about what she might say next. Alec puts his arm around me.

  “Your brother made it through surgery. We were able to stop his internal bleeding and set his fractures. So that is good.” She gives me a small, reassuring smile before continuing. “However, he sustained a hard blow to the head, and even though he was wearing his helmet, he suffered a severe concussion. There’s been some bleeding in his brain, and I’m afraid we won’t know the extent of his injuries until he wakes up.”

  My eyes well up with tears. Oh God, please, no. Please let him be okay . . . be his normal self.

  “When will he wake up?” I ask in a trembling voice.

  “That we don’t know. It could be a few hours, or it might be days . . .weeks, even. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

  I’m too stunned to say anything else. Weeks? He’s in a coma?

  “Thank you, doctor. Please keep us
posted.” Alec shakes her hand and then pulls me close to him as she walks away.

  I collapse against him, all my strength gone. The tension from waiting these last few hours has been hard, and now the thought of waiting more—possibly for weeks—is too much.

  “I want to see him.”

  Alec nods and walks over to the nurse’s station. They speak for a moment, and I see her nod.

  “You can go see him in the intensive care unit, but only for a few minutes.”

  I follow the nurse down the hall, trying to prepare myself. Jonathan is lying on the bed with machines and tubes surrounding him. He looks so pale and fragile, even though he is eighteen, a grown man. When I look at him, I still see the twelve-year-old boy he once was.

  The nurse pats my back reassuringly. “I know it looks like a lot, but he’s resting peacefully, and he’s breathing on his own, which is a good sign. Those machines are just monitoring him.”

  My mind immediately clings to this shred of good news. “Thank you. Can I touch him?”

  She nods and I move closer to the bed. I reach down and grasp his hand in mine. “Jonathan,” I whisper, “it’s me, Emma, I’m right here with you. You’re going to be okay.” I just stand there for a few minutes, gazing down at him, until the nurse touches my arm and tells me it’s time to leave.

  “You should go home, get some rest. He’s going to be asleep for at least the next eight hours until the anesthesia from surgery wears off. We’ll call you if anything changes.”

  “Come on, baby, you look exhausted. You need to get some rest, let me take you home.” Alec looks worried.

  “Okay.” I’m too tired to argue. I’m emotionally drained and I can’t think straight anymore.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Alec drives me back to my apartment and leads me to the door.

  “Alec, thanks. Thanks for staying with me at the hospital, but I’m okay now, you can go.” We still haven’t talked about what happened between us. Right now, my brother is the only thing I can think of.